Failure

I failed pretty badly tonight. I lost my temper and hit A. I screamed at A too. It was a pretty rough day. I had to pick up B at the Mountain school where Special needs school is held. I was running late because I never leave my classroom on time. I was doubly anxious because I have never been there before. It was very windy and rainy. A tree fell on the highway so I had to detour all the way back to the other highway. I was quite late picking B up. There was another downed tree on the way back. B is hard to be in the car with because B NEVER STOPS TALKING. l'm really glad B talks now, but it is very overwhelming. By the time we got to preschool, B's class was done with lunch and getting their nap stuff out. B was distraught by the change in routine. The power was out at home so I decided to go pick up lunch on my way to the chiropractor. Downed power lines and another downed tree. And so many non-functional traffic lights. Today's storm was really a doozy. Chiropractor lost power too, so I headed back to work. More downed trees and power lines. By the time I got back to work, it was 2 hours later! After several failed attempts to focus on important tasks，I cut my losses and moved on to my email. (Do you ever feel like everything you say is a canned phrase that you read or heard？Apparently that's an ADHD / Autism thing.) Picking up B and C was another challenge。They were both very emotional tonight so they cried which is very overwhelming.  I didn't hear back from D, so I went to school to pick up A. A was already gone. By the time I got home, I was very overwhelmed. I survived dinner and started cleaning up. A was being super rude to D. I don't know why he tolerates that behavior。I tried to be helpful and ask A to leave the playroom . I got a lot of push back, yelling and attitude。I walked away，because I was ready to snap .  Then A  slamed the door and I did snap. I yelled back and smacked A on the back. l yelled So hard I peed myself. Then I left before I did anything else. B was alredy crying from us screaming and wanted to be comforted. I really wanted to change my pants. I put B to bed. B was very dy s regulated because there was no lights, no cocomelon and no nightlight。 Too many differences in one day.  Then I still had to clean up the dishes and get C in bed. D asked me to apologize to A before bedtime. So I went in and did that even though I was still mad. But apologizing is important, It's never okay to hit, even if I feel like they really deserve it. I am not my father. The worst part of it all is that D is still mad at me. He will stay mad at me long after A Has Forgiven Me。 

Emails and Power Outages

 Life has been a little wonky lately.  I feel like I'm behind on everything and struggling to crouch down on my hands and knees to reach all the dropped balls that have rolled under metaphorical sofas and tables.  I feel like I'm constantly blindsided by everything that's happening in my life.  

When I vent about juggling a lot, something people frequently tell me that I have to "let some things slide"  and not do ALL the things.  One of the things that often gets dropped is email.  Gmail puts 95% of my emails into the Updates or Promotions category so that I can conveniently ignore them for weeks on end. Until I realize that I missed something. Today I stayed at work late because the power is out at home.  I had a lot of grading to do, but instead I focused on going through my personal email inbox.  It felt really really good to catch up on some of the emails and find things I needed to get done, or that were lurking in the back of my thoughts.  I'm not done yet - I think I have about 5000 more emails to sort through, but I made progress.  And I at least sorted back to February.  I need to unsubscribe to a bunch more.  Anyways, it's time to pick up the kids.  But I feel better.  I did something that is usually considered a waste of time, but helped decrease my anxiety and sense of overwhelm.  Hopefully the power will come back on quickly 😒